The ice fan cometh

My friend Ross took umbrage with my short yet strong remarks against professional hockey, so below is a quick rundown of some of my major problems with the sport. Keep in mind that I actually respect these guys a lot, as they are tough, highly skilled competitors.

1) Much like soccer, hockey is a game marred by constant disappointment. Fans are constantly getting excited about their team advancing toward the net, then having their hopes dashed as something as small as a unsuspecting foot minutely throws the puck off course.

Then, when you turn your back for a half-second, you just might miss one of the few goals of the contest.

I don't have the attention span for this. It's probably why I don't enjoy hunting or fishing.

2) Goals seem plain lucky. It's weird to hear hockey announcers and analysts dole out praise to guys for shots that often seem to go like this: off the skate, through three players' legs, off another skate, off the boards, into the air, off a guy's grill, nothing but net.

I don't watch enough hockey to know this with any certainty, but I'd venture to guess that more than 50 percent of goals make it into the net in a totally different way than the shooter intended.

I can go to Vegas to see dumb luck.

3) It's difficult to pick out the good players. I'm sure longtime hockey enthusiasts can pick up on certain nuances, but for the average guy, how can you tell who the great players are — other than by hanging on ESPN analyst Barry Melrose's every word? Hockey is a fast-paced amalgam of flubbed passes, missteps, tripping, checking and blind-folded goals.

Every one of these guys is a great athlete with incredible stamina. The problem is that the average sports fans wants to know who the great ones are. They want to know when these megastars are lighting it up and when the underdog is playing above his head.

They don't want to watch a socialistic group of soldiers/players.

Oh yeah, and the names are difficult to pronounce. So THERE.