Sunday, August 15, 2010

Not even Margot Kidder

At 5 p.m. today, I became self-aware.


Self-aware, that is, of how little I wanted to spend any more time with my Crazy Toddler (CT). Not tonight.


Of course if felt bad writing that. But sometimes parenthood takes you to a dark place — a location where breakables live up their name, food and sippy cups become projectiles, and crying is the only form of communication.


At 5 p.m. today and thereafter, I wanted nothing to do with kids. Not just mine, but any kids. Not my own, not friends' kids and not neighborhood kids.


Not Kid Rock's "Bawitdaba." Certainly not any of Kid 'N' Play's "House Party" movies; in fact, write this rule down for the rest of the time, not just this evening. It's a pretty decent credo.


Tonight I want nothing to do with baby goats. Or Margot Kidder movies (she was awful as Lois Lane, don't you think?).


Ken Griffey Jr., also known as "The Kid," is one of my favorite athletes. But right now I'd push him into a ditch without a second thought.


Not even Nicole Kidman gets a second look from me on this day. Look what you did, CT; you made me   reject the explosive female lead from "Days of Thunder," which is easily one of the top 5 best stock-car racing movies of all time.


I hope you're proud of yourself.

7 comments:

  1. Don't worry...all parents go through it. :D

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  2. Jake, I too have been through the crucible to toddler plane travel. We flew to Seattle straight from Dallas (~4 hour flight). V had our newbie with her and they can't put us in the same row since there are not enough oxygen masks, so I flew solo with B-man. It was like this:

    5 min - happy with Candy or ripping apart a skymall mag
    5 min - standing on the floor with his face awkwardly in my crotch as I try to keep him from crawling out into the aisle and getting decapitated by the bev cart (doing about 140 mph down the aisle)
    7 min - calmly wathing me play angrybirds lite on my iphone
    3 min - gets bored and really starts screaming as he wants down (father profusely sweating)
    4 min - us practicing "patient arms" for smarties (don't want to overdue smarties as last plane flight, we overdid the jelly belly's and had a vomiting episode on the drive home (double paranthetical - i agree, better than on the plane))
    rinse, repeat (appx 9 times)

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  3. You didn't mention "The Kids in The Hall." Does this mean our CT has not turned you off to quirky Canadian comedy troops?

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  4. Netz, what happened to us? We used to be strapping lads (OK, you were a strapping lads) with the world at our feet (OK, you had the world at your feet.). Now we consider it a win if we get to clean up puke in a car rather than in the in-flight bathroom.

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  5. You didn't mention "The Kids in The Hall." Does this mean our CT hasn't turned you off to quirky Canadian comedy troops?

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  6. jake,face it 1 of many days to come. Just part of parenthood. Go for a walk,it helps. love you grandma

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  7. Ah...the joys of parenthood seen through the eyes of a loving and adoring father.


    May the force be with you.

    Strength and Arms.

    Hail to the Chief.

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Thank you for sharing.