Childhood, 27, dies peacefully

With the distribution of a single press release from the Seattle Mariners, the Childhood of Jacob Jeremiah Alger, 27, died Wednesday at his Idaho home.

The Childhood — affectionately well-known for its glut of sports memorabilia, wasted hours on a basketball court and affinity for smart-alec comments — is survived by boxes and boxes of useless rectangles of cardboard; a brutally short attention span; and a disdain for many foods that most adults enjoy.

The Childhood was born in 1982 and truly flourished when the world of athletics entered its life — beginning with Montana to Taylor in the Super Bowl's waning moments. But perhaps nothing spearheaded its youthful vigor as much as a brilliant young center fielder named Ken Griffey Jr. This lefthanded, smooth-fielding power hitter captured the Childhood's attention with his demeanor, excellence and penchant for dramatic performances.

Wednesday, after 22 seasons, Junior retired from Major League Baseball. The impact was too much for the Childhood's heart to bear.

Some of the childhood's many acquaintances were recognized at a joyous celebration Thursday, including Bubbly Yum, pogs, Trapper Keeper, L.A. Gear shoes, merciless mockery from mean-spirited school mates, turnovers, fruit roll-ups, G.I. Joes, sports almanacs and summers with nothing but time to spare.

The Childhood was preceded in death by its best friend, the Option of Selfishness.