Saturday, July 12, 2008

I need a Tommy Frazier drip, stat

To paraphrase Sports Illustrated football guru Peter King, here are some things I, as an expectant father/rabid sports fan, "think I know":
  • There are only three certainties in life: death, taxes and Brett Favre flirting with retirement each offseason. His most-recent soap-opera-like comeback bid makes me think he's more suited to be a new character on "Days of Our Lives" (Perhaps as Rock Hardplace, the long-lost evil twin brother of Someone Or Other who has an evil secret ambition: to bring down the morale of a storied football franchise) than quarterback of the Green Bay Packers in 2008. But hey, seriously, good luck with the Ravens; I hear Mark Clayton and Derrick Mason are really coming into their own.
  • Once your baby is within four weeks of being born, you start to realize that a small human could suddenly be your responsibility incredibly soon — as in, at any time. I'm not sure why I had been thinking that all babies come exactly nine months after conception, but I did. This really isn't fair to me, because I had given myself exactly nine months to craft the life-size sculpture of Husky great Sonny Sixkiller for the nursery. I still need more time, and I'm freaking out.
  • Baron Davis and Elton Brand are two of the best bad basketball players I've ever seen. Davis has gone to the Clippers and Brand to the 76ers. Big deal. Their deceptively poor careers are about as relevant as a father-to-be at a baby shower.
  • My wife needs to milk the "pregnant woman card" much more than she has. The baby's almost here, and she really hasn't taken advantage of her position the way she could have. I've seen way too many sitcoms, so I know a lot about how this is supposed to go. I mean, why hasn't she been yelling at me, eating pickles topped with hot fudge, demanding fried chicken at 3 a.m. and making me paint the baby's room 15 times. Next I'll find out that I'm NOT predestined to frantically run out the door with my wife's suitcase but neglecting to grab my in-labor wife on the way to the hospital. Are you saying I won't find out that I'm having twins, then faint and wake up in a gurney next to my wife?
  • College football is still a month and a half away, and I'm already experiencing severe health and mental problems. I have dry mouth, headaches, problems concentrating and night blindness. I need a Tommy Frazier IV, stat. I could be suffering from a Gino Torreta hematoma.
Those are things I think I know, but here's a solid fact: Eric Gordon has about as much chance of exceeding in the NBA as I have of convincing my wife to erect the Sixkiller piece. All that work for nothing.