Sing for your sports-watching freedom

Don't let dirty diapers and temper tantrums rob you of the simple pleasures that stem from season-defining sporting events. After nearly two years of fatherhood, out of necessity I've deftly integrated into my life a slew of tactics that enable me to make it through more than five minutes of "the big game." You may have to demean yourself a bit, but in the end, it'll be worth it.

1) Create a sing-a-long — Listen, you don't have to dress up in a Barney costume to appease your son/daughter through the art of music. Simply sing or rap whatever you're seeing on the screen. Just think of it as Justin Timberlake doing play-by-play. Here's a taste:

"LeBron takes the ball to the rack strong / His crazy runner draws iron / That's not a foul, that's not a foul!!! / Are you blind???!!! Hey zebra, are you blind???!!! / ooooh yeeahhhh."

This is foolproof. Kids gobble up goofy songs regardless of the content — a lot like Black-Eyed Peas fans.

2) Smile like you mean it — Often creating a song isn't enough to hold at bay the slumbering ire of an increasingly bored youth. This is where the perma-grin comes into play. Little-known fact: You can utter anything in front of your toddler, as long as you say it with good cheer. This is outstanding news for anyone who watches AL West baseball.

3) Toy pileup — Put every toy in your house within the four square feet next to the TV (the good TV, not the extra-bedroom set that requires a frequent whack upside the antenna). It's simple math: 2 minutes of toddler interest per toy multiplied by 37 toys equals 74 minutes of sports-watching bliss.

4) Laptop distraction — Pull out your laptop, search for free videos of your child's favorite boring yet highly educational show and hit "Play All." OK, so I haven't tried this one myself yet, but I see the potential. It's only a matter of days now.

5) You can always go the conventional route by asking your spouse to keep an eye on Mr. or Ms. Runt. But where's the fun and creativity in that?